The cold wind blows on the back of neck
Sending a shiver down my spine
The lone piper plays Flowers of the Forest
As I stand in the crematorium garden,
Knowing I have lost everything that was mine.
The colour of the sky is a murky shade of grey
The colour of my heart is blacker than black
No more do I want the sun to shine
I want rain every day to wash away my pain,
Because the love of my life will never be coming back.
Ronnie's Blog 
My nightmare. But you survived it.
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For a lot of people, life is a nightmare. Some people are fortunate enough to have their nightmarish life, interspersed with good times. The best of those good times is when they love, and they are loved.
The worst part of death is losing your loved ones.
The worst part of dying is leaving your loved ones behind.
At the end of the life cycle, those with the loving memories
Are the fortunate ones, because memories of love never die.
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Have read a few of your posts under “love” and see you have or have had a wonderful love affair. I do, right now, too. It has been the biggest blessing in my life! We are old now and know we are coming up to an unimaginable loss. As my husband says, I waste the present in “pregret.” I can’t imagine a life without him. I try to live in the present but don’t succeed. Passion is gone but a fierce love remains. And, at times, there are moments of anger. I have always feared the loss of loved ones, ever since a little girl when I couldn’t understand death. I can’t imagine a life without my husband. All I ever wanted out of life was love and I was blessed enough to find it. Today is our 33rd wedding anniversary. We married late. Love is the most beautiful force in the universe. Glad you have/had it but so very sorry for what sounded like your loss in one post. No one can take your memories of your beloved away.
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Although it is always better to live in the present, it is not always easy.
Not being able to see a life without something is similar to the experience of an addict. The same feelings and the same neurochemicals are involved. “Might as well face it, you’re addicted to love.” 😊
Congratulations on your 33rd wedding anniversary. Many people would be highly envious of a relationship like yours. The second half of my response above, was a way of bolstering your defence mechanisms for the inevitable and to empathise with you on a more personal level. You can prepare for the future whilst remaining in the present. At the moment it is your negative thoughts that are the problem. The thoughts in your head cannot harm you, if you remove them by staying in the present. Easy to say, I know.
I actually had difficulty replying to you, because of the term “You survived it.” That made me think a lot. I have experienced a lot of physical and mental trauma. I have also experienced the loss of loved ones. As opposed to survived, I would use the term “learned to live with” or adapted to life under different circumstances. The summary of that, is acceptance. Many people have to learn acceptance after loss or major changes in their life.
The fear you have had from a young age of losing loved ones and being unable to understand death is similar to most phobias. Something happens in a young child’s life that generates fear and it can stay with them all their life. If you can learn to accept that the cycle of life starts with life and finishes with death, you can see it as something that is natural. Acceptance is something that is a very big problem for alcoholics in various ways. It is not until they can accept life as it is, they can start the recovery process.
Losing people you love is the worst feeling ever, and the older I get, the more frequent the occurrence. I have hurt a lot, but being able to accept it and knowing I have to lie down to it and let the healing process do what it has to do, makes it easier.
These are some titles on this blog that are relevant to this conversation. Just type them into the blog search box if you want to check them out.
EMOTIONAL PAIN
FEAR NOT
GILLIAN (the accompanying song may interest you)
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Oh, dear Ronnie, what a caring response and forgive my insenstivity saying “you survived that”. It sounds like you have suffered a lot in ways I do not know and cannot imagine. You say you suffered mental and physical pain as well as loss. It sounds like serious trauma. I highly respect your courage in going on. I am not afraid of dying but of loss, and lean towards the Hindu belief in reincarnation. Actually, being Bipolar, I have wanted to die many times. I have lost many people and, as you say, as you get older that happens more and more. I have very few people left. “Addicted to love”– yes, I suppose so. Certainly there was addiction in my family, although not addiction to love. But, I totally admire and respect your courage and your sensitive response to my rather flip comment. Please forgive me. And thank you for taking the time to respond so in depth. Again, a big hug to you!! Thank you for taking the time to care enough to reply and try to help. Focusing on the present– yes, that seems to be the only way to survive.
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Your comment was without malice and did not hurt, but on a positive note, it gave me food for thought.
“I am not afraid of dying but of loss”, were the same words a friend who lives in Canada said to me on the phone recently. I think that is a good view to have.
I understand you wanting to die and empathise with you completely. I was going to start a world-wide club for depressed people, but I could not find a country big enough for everyone to meet up in.
“To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche
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